To Starve One's Flesh Is To Feed One's Spirit

I have not written in this journal in forever. BUT...Let me explain :) I have been so crazy busy. I have been on the move like an aussie kangaroo! lol But seriously, I moved out LA! Been here since Feb. Singing, meeting people, eating new cultural foods, and just plain livin. YES I SAID EATING. Ahhhh I don't much like it either. I have been trying to deal with my eating issues because I was getting really sick there for like a few months or so. I needed to get some kind of eating habits established, however it's time to finish this...get rid of the last bit of weight I am struggling with so desperately.

I have about 45 pounds to lose. Thats not a lot compared to the 122 lbs I have already dropped! YEA I SAID ONE HUNDRED TWENTY TWO! Whoa right? I know ;) Anyways...this last little smidge is givin me hell so ladies, if anyone has any ideas...safe ones that won't give me horrible gas, stomach cramps, or death pains then lemme know! :) I am serious about losin the rest of this weight. Been stickin to small eats so far for the past week. Soup, smal bowls of oatmeal, and a few pita cabbage wraps. I plan on detoxing starting tomorrow...JUST DRINKS! I will drink water and tea...nothin else for at least 5 days. This should cleanse my system a little and help me drop about 5 lbs. I think the main problem for me these days is EXERSIZE! Just got really bored with it...nothing new and fun to actually get me movin! So anyone have any suggestions? I was thinking about starting to go dancing on saturdays with a few friends, I mean I am in LA now after all! LA has dance clubs! DUH! :) Whatever though, not sure what I'm gunna do in place of my old turbo jam...I might try and see if I can burn my friends TURBO JAM dvds. Anywho...I have to jet, but I will write more tomorrow, or later today I mean! lol
xoxo
Nanook

So I have not written in this thing in a long time. Probably because I did that drug study I told you about last entry and gained 12 pounds!!!!! AHHHHHH Needless to say it made me depressed and lacking willpower for a few weeks. I stayed stuck at that horrid 170lbs! That was so frightening! Anywho, I am back on track now, detoxing and cleaning out my system...taking some metabo burners and such to get me booted and full of fat burning power! So far I am down to 165 and it's only been 2 days! So thats good! I just need to reach 150lbs by March 25th, thats when I am leaving for Cali, on a 3 month trip to meet and audition with record labels.

Lots has happened, I know. lol Exciting stuff, but scary and new all the same. TID BIT TIP...APPLES, are an excellent NEG CAL FOOD, to help keep the metabo kicking, take the edge off of sweet cravings, fill you up, and keep you hydrated! We all know that a lack of sodium in the body from eating can trigger you to THINK you are not thirsty, when actually you are dehydrated...APPLES...really help with that and remind you to drink water because they turn on your metabo! :) Just thought I'd share that :) Gosh I miss this journal. I miss being such a dedicated ANA...I really need to find a good solid ANA friend who will chat with me, e-mail me, etc...maybe even call me! So anyone out there who is looking for a solid ANA friend to help encourage you and support you and just be there when ya need to talk, pls...message me asap!

Well my break is over, I need to head back into the studio to finish recording...love all

So yeah it's been forever since I wrote in this darn thing. Been trying to avoid it at all costs. Been sorta on a vaca from being my usual food/weight obsessed self. I am this drug study currently where you HAVE to eat...and they watch you closely. They are gunna pay me 6,000 dollars. The study lasts till the end of Feb. So needless to say any fasts or detoxes I might wanna do won't do me much good right now. However I get these breaks. Like I am in the study for 4 days and out for 3. So I think that from now on when I am out for 3...I am gunna detox. Like water, juices, teas, and fruits and veggies, and soups. Simple things. Things that can't clog my system with a bunch of basty fat ya know?

Yeah thats what I am gunna do. I had cereal this morning but I think I am gunna drink water the rest of the day to cleanse my system thoroughly. Tomorrow I will do soups and salads which will be light and tasty. :) Then Thursday just hot liquids and water. Friday will be a fruits and veggies day then when I go back into the study I will eat whatever they give me I suppose. ewwwww But it's good money and I certainly need it for my music. I don't feel like writing a lot right now. I am honestly sleepy and I am gunna go lay down for a while. I am at Kuddle's apartment. Spent the night last night. I am leaving in 2 months. Going out to California. I am going to miss him so much. He and I talked about it for the first time last night. He encouraged me, he doesn't want me to leave, he says he will miss me, but he knows I need to go and chase my dreams and he wants me to succeed and be happy and do what God wants me to do. Leaving him will be the hardest part about this whole thing I believe.

I will miss my other friends, I will long for them, But Kuddle will be the one I probably think about every single day. Part of my heart is still hung on him. I mean I have moved on, we remained friends and decided not to date...but that doesn't change how wonderful he is and how almost perfect it feels between us sometimes. However there are def those tell tell signs that point to NO WAY HOSEA! lol But he's my best friend. My rescue :) He's gunna try and visit me sometime within the first 3 months that I am gone, which will make it all better I am sure :) Anywho...I need to go lay down.

Last night Benjamen and I had a horrible conversation. The one person I ever thought really loved me totally, was in love with me hardcore major, saw me as the most beautiful thing in the world at least at one point in time confessed that he NEVER actually was in love with me. THAT HE LIED! He didn't confess this out of anger, he didn't say it to back stab me, he said it honestly...he admitted he had been lying all this time...for 3 years!!!!!! Do you know how hurt, broken, and confused I am?! I have been crying on and off for hours. I don't know what to feel, do, or say. I have work in a couple hours and I am totally broken. I don't wanna break down in the middle of work and end up crying.

Benjamen of all people was never supposed to hurt me this way. I hate him for this! More so though I hate him for the fact that I still freaking love him inspite of this! I am so angry! I binged last night because of this. That makes me even more mad. I am starting fresh today. I plan on NOT EATING EVER AGAIN! I am gunna punish him for this oh you bet. That sounds so stupid. But it's what I am feeling right now. He stayed on the phone with me till 5am, claiming he loves (not in loves) me and is so sorry for hurting me like this, I can barely believe 2 words that come out of his mouth. He's such a liar. How could he betray me like this? HE NEVER HAD TO SAY HE WAS IN LOVE WITH ME! I mean he never had to do that, I never forced him, he could have just told me he didn't love me back. God I need some guidence right now.

FOOD?!!!! FOOD?!!!! I don't even wanna think about food! I don't want to eat! I don't want to even think about eating for weeks! I am sick of food! I am sick of food! I don't want it!!! I wanna starve! I am in so much pain. This is like a needle slowly working it's way into the wound on a calves ankle. The baby screams but no one notices because calves are always screaming. I knew I wasn't capable of being loved like that. He faked it. Him and his new FAKE girlfriend deserve each other. And Kuddle, he probably REALLY doesn't love me because even if he wanted to, It's impossible to love me that way! I am not worth it! Everything I ever believed about me being beautiful or loved intensely is such a crock! AT LEAST TO HUMANS! I know God sees me as beautiful and loves me beyond compare...or do I? I dunno I think about the way Kuddle feels about God...I dunno. I mean I know he loves me and thinks I am beautiful, but...I dunno...I can't talk about this anymore.

Nanook

Ok so I am trying to keep my freak out to a minimum. I didn't do so well with food last night, this morning, or just a second ago. See last night I went to Kuddle's, he was late and I decided to eat some of his cereal and have some cookies with peanut butter and milk...EWWWW...Then this morning I had 2 peanut butter and jelly sandwitches. So after that I started doing okay. I was sucking on popcicles, chewing celery, eating an apple, and sucking down smoothies...well then the stupid woman that is me went out to the kitchen knowing full well that my room mate had made PEANUT BUTTER COOKIES which I love and left them sitting out on the counter. So I scarfed down 5 of them, with peanut butter spread on top of each one...SO WHOA...DOUBLE THE FAT!!! Icky...That was icky. I am not as angry with myself ya you might think. I feel pretty secure in the fact that I will not repeat this tomorrow. I mean tomorrow is a new day right?

I however am trying hard to not think abour purging. It won't do me any good anyways. I need to stay calm and wait this out, it was just some cookies. They won't make me gain even a pound. I just need to make sure that I stick to my plan from now on. WHY IS THIS BECOMING SO HARD? Maybe I am thinking about it too hard and too much. I mean...what if I just calmed down and acted like food was not a big deal? I dunno. Anyways I need to jet.
Kisses
Nanook

I am the center of my life? Or is God? I know that I want God to be the center, however sometimes I feel like I slide away from that, actually I feel that way frequently lately. Right now I am feeling good about my eating choices. I have almost made it through 2 days successfuly without breaking my eating chart standards! I am doing super well and I am excited about that. However my heart is in a little pain. See Kuddle sorta hurt me with the way he treated me while we were visiting his family last week. See he treated me like I was annoying and unwanted. He told me that sometimes he feels the need to "resist" me. He told me he knew it was his issue and that he did appreciate me and love having me around, however he continued to treat me that way even after we had our conversation about it. I let it go while I was there, pushing it down to a deep part of my chest, but since I have been home, left alone to my own thoughts its been bothering me.

Today Kuddle's Christmas Present came in the mail. I bought him an awesome guitar, green, cause it's his favorite color:) I got so excited and called him and we made plans for me to come over to his house after band rehearsal tonight, give him his gift, spend the night, and he could take me home in the morning. I am overjoyed about giving him his gift and seeing him of course, but I feel like he just tolerates me so that makes this visit a little less than happy for my heart. Maybe I am being over-sensative, or dramatic, or reading into it too much...but it just hurts a little. I think I am just gunna surrender it to God and forgive him, and leave it at that. Hopefully he will just apologize on his own and I won't have to say a word.

Right now I think I am gunna go make myself a salad. Everyone be blessed today. I will write again later!

Nanook

Sorry it has been so long since I wrote last, not that any of you are really worried about it. lol I guess somewhere around the world someone cares about this journal, other than me that is...maybe not. Anywho...I have been hella busy with Thanksgiving, my band, show after show, and drama after drama in dealing with Kuddle. Yes back on that old wagon again I'm afraid. I recently had a "wonderful" conversation with his brother Necola. Necola informed me of Kuddle's pain from his last break up and how NECOLA believes Kuddle is not allowing himself to love me as much as he wants because he is afraid and still not over what happened between him and his ex-girlfriend. WELL THATS GREAT! Not really. I had put that baby to bed so to speak, laid it to rest, gotten OVER it in a sense. I had managed to become content with being Kuddle's friend and thats it. I had chosen to give it to God and allow God to move on his heart and not think about it at all. I had finally gotten my best friend back...Kuddle and I had finally gotten past the weird and entered into the land of awesome friendshipyness. Yeah I know thats not a word but still, it's a great description of what I mean lol

Now I am back to being confused and wishing I had just somehow avoided that fated conversation with Necola. I love Necola. I see him as a brother. I know his words to me were out of love and concern for Kuddle and I's relationship, however I have a new plate of issues now that I just don't want to deal with. I do love Kuddle. I love his family, they in turn adore me. His mother calls me her daughter, his father banters with me like his own kid, and Necola and I are getting closer everyday. Kuddle seems to be annoyed by this, wanting me I assume far away from his family. Part of me says "He doesn't like you or have feelings for you, in fact he can barely stand you as a friend. He acts that way and resists you because he honestly gets annoyed by you frequently." Then this other insane part slides up every once in a whle and says "He resists because he's scared, because he does feel for you, because he wants to love you deeply but doesn't understand what love really is due to his hurt. He wants more with you but doesn't want to accept that because it would mean being vulnerable. His sometimes cruel behavior comes out of a fear of his own care for you." WHICH ONE IS RGHT?!!!! AHHHHH! This is all so annoying. I ploan on giving this to God everyday. I plan on surrendering it. It's God's problem not mine in a manner of speaking. lol

I can do nothing to make Kuddle's choice. So it's up to God to move on his heart if thats what needs to happen. Still I think of Benjamen. Benjamen is dating someone now, Cadence, my used to be good friend and personal assiant, well needless to say I have not talked about her much for a long time because NUMBER ONE we are not friends anymore, NUMBER TWO she is not my personal assistant anymore either. Neither of those are because she is dating him, but however because when she finally got what she wanted all along, which was HIM, she sorta dumped me. Weeks later of course at his prompting she began faking sweetness to me and I am just not all about that. I love him, still. I guess. I dunno. It's all so confusing. My mind also finds it's way to Corinth every once and a while. Corinth got engaged a few months back and that has had me confused and just plain hurt. I have sorta blocked him out I guess, made myself numb to it. I mean I can't covet someone else's boyfriend/fiance right? So why think about how much I still love Benjamen or Corinth?

It's like this...I still love Benjamen strongly and know he will always be a stong refuge and rock for me no matter whether we are romatic or best friends. I have made myself numb to Corinth, although every once and a while I see his picture or hear his name and get a small twinge of a feeling deep down inside of me, it's odd. I THINK I still love him possibly, I mean it's probably impossible to erase almost 8 years of loving someone deeply in a few short months right? Maybe, hmmm, I dunno. Corinth was more of a strange love story because of the fact that it was GOD who told me I was to be with him. I dunno, that sounds crazy but each to his own spot of craziness I always say lol Then there is Kuddle. I think about him all the time, dream about him, love his smell, the way he smiles, etc... I love him, but in what way? One moment changes from the next and maybe this is an infatuation. WHAT THE HECK IS WRONG WITH ME?

So onto food subjects...lol...I am doing well today. I had 2 glasses of cranberry juice, a metabo booster pill, a zucchini, tomatoe, cauliflower salad with soy sauce balsamic vinegar dressing and a small amount of crunched up sunchips sprinkled over top to help ease my stomach of the vinegar pain. I need to drink some more water and eat a stalk of celery before bed. I feel better than I have in days. I have no real goal right now, I sorta see any success as awesome. I am attempting to approach this weight thing from a new perspective and angle so I can succeed and really stick to my path for longer than a few days.

I feel like this entry has been long enough and besides that I have a million things I need to do get done before hitting the hay so peace to all.
Nanook

So yeah I saw TWILIGHT tonight! AMAZING! Katinka and I went with our friend Ryder to the midnight showing. It blew me away. I mean it def did not create the experience of the book to a T but it was phenomenal and breaht taking in it's own right. I loved it. I felt truly connected to all the characters. Jasper and Alice were so adorable and Edward was awesome. Robert Pattinson is the most wanted man alive right now, however I want someone else more than him so ya know? lol

So tomorrow I embark on my new dedication. I feel pretty confident about it. I going to be dilligent and pay attention to what triggers me to fail. I am also gunna snap a rubber band around my wrist each time a temptation is born. lol That sounds dumb but it is really a good idea honestly lol Well I need to get some sleep, but I will write soon.

SOOOOO...I figured out I have problems. I mean this food stuff has probably become an obsession in some way. However I feel I have a better handle on it than most people. I am not reaqdy to stop trying to lose weight. I am not ready to stop trying to detox. I am not ready to stop exersizing as often as possible. BUT I am also not ready to become a statistic. So I had a long talk with Kuddle about my food fears and he was extremely helpful. See I haven't talked to Benjamen much about it for a really long time, and as for talking to Katinka about it...OUT OF THE QUESTION. Katinka freaks out and just doesn't help at all. She gets scared and worries too much. Benjamen acts indifferent and just tries to tell me what to do. Kuddle doesn't do that. He loves me through it, talks me through it, and let's me make my own choices. Thats a picture of God for me.

Today I have eaten an apple and a large pickle. I don't plan on eating anymore for the rest of the day. Primarily because I am on a SPIRITUAL FAST that says I can't. lol I am allowed 2 neg cal foods a day. I must now drink lots of fluids for the rest of the day. I have not been doing so good at this fast so far but I am determined now. I want to please God and I want to lose the rest of this weight already. I just wanna be done with it ya know? I am confident and sealed. I know I can do this. Infact I am not even worried about it. I have total faith that I will accomplish it this time. I know I have said that before, but something is different in me. Food will be there till the end of time, whenever I want it again I can have it. But right now it's important that I stick to my fasting.

So today I am fasting for Katinka. I plan on sticking to that fast. She needs my sacrifice. Starting tomorrow and for the next 5 days I will be fasting for a friend of mine named Kline. He is important to me and he struggles with drugs, lots of partying, etc.. so I plan on sticking to this fast hardcore. I am gunna do this. I just had an awesome idea!!! YAY! So gotta go
Peace

I am listening to Good Charlotte and pondering my day, my weekend, my life. I am having a good day. Very controlled. I have not eaten anything. I sucked on a couple popcicles and drank down some water. I also took a Cayenne pepper vitamin to boost my metabo into high speed. I am still at 160lbs...which is good. I was down to 158, however 158 won't be hard to reach again as long as I am committed. Tomorrow is Kuddle's birthday party/my concert and so there will be eating that I will partake in. I just need to maintain control and make sure I get right back to my detox the next day. Things have changed a little. There will be no soup on sunday...just straight up water and popcicles. That will continue till Tuesday then I will allow myself some soup and other beverages.

I am excited cause I am doing well today. I feel confident and I am so busy tonight that the urge to eat will be totally gone and I know it:) I want to get back to being close to God. I feel a little far from him and it's a little scary. I guess for the next couple hours till I have to get ready to go out with my friend Joesph I could read or pray. But anyways I hope your days are filled with joy.

Ok guys I think I seriously scared myself a little. I mean I ate like a shit load of food, just kept shoving it in my mouth crazily, and then purged like my life depended on it. I am a little freaked out. I am angry that I am struggling to get back to where I was a day or so ago. I know I can get back there...starting right this second. I am starting fresh, clean, tomorrow...NO FOOD AT ALL...JUST WATER:) Thats not a punishment, it's exciting. I will get to clean my throat out, my stomach, my intestines, etc...

Right now I need to drink some hot tea, sooth my voice, and expand my stomach. I need to drink water profusely. In fact brb...Ok so I just downed some water. I plan on going on a walk and then coming back and downing some more. In fact I need to go if I am gunna get anything I need to done.

I ate. YEAH THATS RIGHT I DID IT! I am such an idiot. I was doing so well. Actually to be totally honest I am not that mad at myself. Cause I didn't stuff myself to the point of stupidity. However I am irriated that I did not follow through with the plan. I think it's because I was sorta forced by my room mate to go out in the kitchen and talk to her "Come out here and sit and talk to me pls." She said. UGH...That made things horrible. I must have been having a craving and the moment the smells and foods sitting all around the kitchen hit me I was weak. I had a piece of garlic toast, a peanut butter sandwitch, a couple peanut butter crackers, a cup of hot chocolate, and a couple small peanut butter cups...PEANUT BUTTER WAS THE MAIN THING. eewwwwww Gross...I did so well today at the store, didn't buy anything that I thought looked good, didn't even buy myself very much soup. I am sickened by me now. I wanna go throw up I do...but I know it will just start a cycle. Instead I am just gunna rededicate tomorrow.

It's not like I went SOOOOO overboard that I can't go back. I have lost enough weight the past 2 days to kick myself back into where I need to be. I am confident thats not gunna be a problem at all. Infact I am gunna write it on my hand. I dunno I need to go and relax a little...this journal is just making me depressed.

I love Linkin Park. That song is sorta stuck in my head right now, not sure why. It's a rather angry song and I am not perturbed in any way. I feel confident and awesome. I am down to 158 now! I dropped another 2 pounds...YAY! I am heading to the store in about an hour or so. I am gunna keep going at this rate and I am gunna be 140 by the end of next week! YAY! I can feel it:) It's gunna be awesome.

I was just thinking about my friend Gaisa. On sunday we went to lunch and he made a comment that really hurt me. "You ate A LOT today." It really upset me. Ever since then when I think about that statement it makes me terrified of eating again. I mean what is it anyone's business whether I eat or don't eat or eat a lot or eat a little or what not ya know? Like why do other people think it is their God given right to hound you about your own personal choices? It's aggravating and unsettling. I mean concern is one thing but trying to tell you what to do is another.

Sometimes I wish my friends would just leave me alone. I mean if I ask for their input then thats one thing but them offering it free of charge but full of pain is another...that pisses me off beyond all reason. I am ranting and I am not sure why really? A moment ago I couldn't have been in more bliss. Honestly it's the store. I am nervous about the store. Being there around all the food. Buying soup, since this is the last time I will be able to get to the store before next week, I have to PRE buy what I am having starting sunday and that makes me nervous. I guess I am freaking myself out a little. I need to just calm down. I need to make a list and that will solve it...a list of what I can have and what I can't no matter how good something looks.

Yeah I am gunna get off here and do just that. Have a blessed day everyone.

Today was quite invigorating. I accomplished much and feel fantastically driven to my next goal:) I chewed a lot of gum lol And I drank a cup of hot chocolate about 10 minutes ago...but I am not bothered by that. It took the edge off me feeling hungry and now I feel warm and am ready for the night. Plus it's liquid so it won't have much of an effect on my fast. I know I said straight water, but I feel like I am doing so well right now to get mad at myself for some hot chocolate would be stupid. I decided tomorrow no hot choclate at all. Just straight water and chewing gum lol Then of course starting Thursday is my expanded liquids fast. Smoothies, fat free soups, teas, and juices. That should be awesome.

Although I am doing so well with this water fast I might as well keep it going till saturday maybe eh? And then on sunday start a liquids expanded. Since sunday is one of my hardest days to not eat. In fact I think I might do that for real. In fact I need to make the choice now so it's determined and I don't waver. Yeah straight water till Saturday. I will allow myself hot chocolate if it's extremely hard at all...but only 1 cup a day. I need to make sure I am drinking lots of water. I lacked on that a little today, probably cause I was sorta cold all day.

Anyways...I am gunna get off here and do some reading, praying, and some short exersize. Love you all.

My subject line always seem so dumb to me. I dunno. Anywho so today has been pretty much amazing. I went to the bank and deposited some money. I had 2 sweet tarts chewys while I was there...I KNOW BAD GIRL LOL But it didn't bother me much. I don't usually look at 5 calorie candy's as fast breakers. lol So then I got home and thought...hmmm some fat free veggie soup would be awesome...then I was like "WHY? WHAT FOR? You are not even hungry. Just go to your room, work on some paper work and such and wait out the mental temptation." Cause I wasn't physically hungry...my mind just thought that soup sounded tasty.

So I waited it out for about 20 minutes and bam I am fine:) I sucked down a glass of water and I plan on sucking down a whole bunch more durring the remainder of the day. Being down to 160lbs really motivates me to continue in my quest for thinness:) By saturday I am gunna be way tinier than originally planned! I probably could get down to atleast 150 if I really worked at it:) Walks, work outs, straight water, vitamins! YAY! Heck by the end of next week I know I am gunna be down to 145 no prob! As long as I am down to 130 by Thanksgiving. I want to eat on Thanksgiving:) I love Thanksgiving. It is one of my favorite Holidays.

I plan on eating Tofurkey! YAY! That will help save me from some unwanted fat grams. I think I might get together with some friends and make our own dinner:) I have to visit my parents for at least 30 minutes though...ewww. But heck as long as I am down to 130 I will be fine. I will eat for that day and then head right back to detoxing:) Then I will it should only take me another 2 to 3 weeks to drop the last 20. I want to get down to 110. I have been telling everyone my goal is 120, but I gunna do 110 because this way I can retrain myself to eat and have 10 pounds to work with.

I need some serious exersizes that allow you to tighten your stomach and work off that bulge hanging above your vagina. lol Ya know what I am talking about ladies:) Especially those of you who started bigger than 140lbs. lol Honestly girls who weigh 120 to 140 who decide to start this are sorta dumb. I mean...120...good weight, and unless you just wanna detox about 15 pounds at 140 then your dumb...unless you are really short and therefore the weight is a problem at your height. But anyways...

So this entry is sorta long. I guess I just wanna randomly talk about a lot of stuff. Although it is 4pm and I need to hurry and get some other work done before rehearsal tonight. I am excited about rehearsal as usual! YAY! Wow I am such a girl today. I was thinking about myself the other day. I have become a lot less serious and more jovial over the past year. I am not sure why. I guess because I feel more confident to just let loose and yet still be dedicated to all the things I believe in and stand for. Standing for something honest and true does not always mean being mr or mrs serious pants...it means taking the stand and being completely joyful that you've done so...being excited that people bash you or put you down because it means you are still standing firm enough for people to take notice...So I encourage all of you to stand for whatever ya stand for...full speed all the time..no matter the cost:)
Kisses

Yeah thats right...today is awesome! I weighed myself this morning...160 baby yeah! I am back at the weight I got down to before I gained 12 pounds of it back and went to 172...EWWW...So I am so happy. I mean I am gunna keep going now that I am back on track and lose the rest of it...but being back down to 160 makes me so happy and I am so glad that nightmare is over. Anywho...I am heading to the bank right now to make a deposit...but I will write later...just wanted everyone to know about my awesome success:) Kisses

So today has been pretty much amazing. I got through the whole day without budging on my limitations. I drank water all day and ate nothing, nada, zip, zilch! YAY! About a minute ago I was debating whether or not to go and have some fat free veggie soup...it's late and my mind is a little worn from all the will power fighting. I made it past the temptation though. Instead I am gunna write in my journal and then read some twilight. After getting caught up in that book for a while I will be so over eating.

I am gunna make sure to have a busy day tomorrow again so I can totally make it through the second day of just water:) Wednesday might be a little more of a task. I am gunna have to let Katinka know I am detoxing with just plain water so she knows to help me stay away from food at her house. I know I can do it. In fact I was good about not eating today and I was even at a fancy restaurant. Katinka's should be a breeze. Well I will write more tomorrow, right now I need to get some fresh air cause it's oober hot in my room and then read some twilight. Have a good night all.

So my subject line sorta lets ya know how confident I am today and how good of a day I really am having. :) I worked out last night and it gave me an amazing rush. I missed what that rush felt like:) Then I read in Twilight and man was that awesome. I slept in until 1:30pm today which is late but I guess I needed to catch up on the sleep I was missing out on all weekend. So today is straight water detox and I am actually excited about it! I have had a few hunger pains so far today and man do I love em! I was tempted to go and binge when my computer wouldn't work and it was depressing me cause I have so much work to get done on it today...but I prayed over my computer and then the next thing I know...BAM ITS WORKING! Yay Jesus!

So after I am done entering this journal entry I am gunna work on my promo pack information for the record labels and do a couple other tasks and drink some water down like a bandit:) Or a pirate lol So a local paper wants to do an article on me and I am really excited about that as well. I feel honored and I feel totally psyced. So I am watching the history channel about pirates, especially black beard lol so therefore thats why I am so hung up on pirates today lol My other lead guitarist Devon's birthday is tomorrow and tonight before rehearsal we are gunna head to dinner to celebrate it:) I love Devon:) He's amazing. Katinka, Cookie, Rayne, and I are all going:) I know I haven't talked about Rayne in quite a while. She is still a huge part of my life, just guess I never had anything to say about her.

Well I may write later, everyone be blessed.

All I did was work out for 30 minutes. I feel like a million bucks. I ate today as usual. Ate some Chinese food and had a few snacks at home later. However I feel confident about starting tomorrow. Total water detox from tomorrow to Wednesday, then from Wed on to Friday I will have other liquids like smoothies, teas, and juices...No soups though yet. Saturday I will eat the neg cal foods at Kuddle's party and then on Sunday I will be back to liquids till Tuesday this time adding in 1G TO NO FAT soups. Then starting Tuesday till that Friday I think I will do a raw neg cal food detox, however only reaching for the neg cal foods when absolutely starving.

I feel more motivated now that I worked out like I did. I think I gunna start working out like that every night when everyone goes to sleep. I know I can do this. Saturday is gunna be awesome cause I am going to weigh like 10 pounds lighter...so I will be able to fit into clothes I have not been able to wear in a month. Then by the time the next Saturday rolls around I will weigh like 20 pounds lighter! YAY! Keep this determination, I gotta keep it! I can do it this time, nothing is gunna slow me down, nothing is going to deter me or discourage me from reaching this goal. I must go shopping with my friend Jenitta when she comes in to visit @ Christmas! We promised each other tonight on the phone, so I must keep that promise to be down to my goal weight when she gets here.

I am excited about tomorrow actually. I know I am gunna succeed and I feel pumped. Tomorrow is a busy day anyways. I have a millions things to do and I have rehearsal so not eating will be no problem. Plus it will help me have an excuse not to drink with Cookie tomorrow night. I can be like...I am detoxing and when I detox if I drink I get sick. I am stoked! Wow I never thought detoxing would make me this excited. I am actually sick of food. I need a break from it. It makes me feel so much better when I am not eating. Plus I feel better when I work out on an empty stomach. I dunno I just feel cleaner. This week is gunna rock! Water for 3 days is gunna be amazing. I just need to make sure I am drinking a glass of it every hour.

Here in 10 minutes I am gunna write down my schedule for the day tomorrow so I am booked clear through and have no time to tempt myself with food, although I am not worried about it. I feel so confident and I feel like food would be nasty at this point. Ewww food is gross. Thats a good mentality to have when trying to overcome something like this. lol

Well its time to read some TWILIGHT and then hit the sack lol